I am going to start a new category on Laugh To Death. I have always though that Los Angeles is loaded with freaks galore, but then today I thought, “wtf is wrong with me, I am not posting the freaks for our amusement!” So, here is People of Los Angeles #1.
Month: February 2011
Is that a chainsaw in your pocket?
A CHICKASHA man was arrested today after allegedly stealing a chainsaw from a hardware store by hiding it down the front of his shorts, KFOR reported.
Police said 21-year-old Anthony Darren Black also stole a dog collar from the Ross Seed Company, and appeared intoxicated.
One staff member noticed the strange way Mr Black was walking, but assumed he was handicapped.
“I felt sorry for him. I thought the gentleman was crippled,” said Richard Largent.
But other employees noticed the chainsaw and chased Mr Black until he dived into a creek – where police arrested him. He was charged with a number of offenses.
Is that a chainsaw in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter
Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
Top Ten Things not to say in Victoria’s Secret.
- “The Miracle” what? This is better than world peace!
- No Thanks, just sniffing.
- I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
- Mom will love this.
- Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboy Logo on it?
- No need to wrap it up, I’ll eat it here.
- Will you model this for me
- Oh honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
- 45 bucks?? You’re gonna end up NAKED anyways!
- Does this come in children’s sizes?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, she’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or the chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Alex Jones: The chicken is going to destroy us all in December 2012.
Rush Limbaugh: Mmmmmm chicken
10 ways to know you are a redneck
- The Jack-O-Lantern on your porch has more teeth than your wife does.
- You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- There is a law in your state that if a husband and wife get a divorce then they are still legally brother and sister.
- The people on Jerry Springer remind you of your neighbors.
- You grandpappie made a will to leave everything to his wife but she can’t touch it until she is 14.
- You go to the junkyard to drop off some things and come back with more than you left with.
- You have your local taxidermist on speed-dial.
- You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
- The people at your parties are always dressed in white robes & hoods and seem very secretive.
- On your KFC employment application, under military service you include the militia group you belong to.
If you relate to JUST ONE of these items then you DEFINITELY a redneck. 2 means you have little hope of change, and 3 or more proves you are one FOR LIFE.
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