Learning to Cuss

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss”. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass”.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
“Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios”.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios”..

April Fools Jokes and Pranks

Happy April Fools day everyone, the day filled with pranks and jokes.  And of course this being a joke site wouldn’t be complete without a list of some good pranks to pull on people

April Fools

1. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper – (Great if you want to get fired !).

2. Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck, ferrari, etc. (Make sure the car isn’t already on!) Then get in it and have your parents start it up and it will pop. It will sound like the tire popped.

3. I hid in my mom’s closet before she got out of the shower at 6 am. When she got her clothes on and headed out, I grabbed her leg and made her cry!

4. Scrape the cream out of oreo cookies and fill them with white toothpaste!.

5. Use a 3M Post-it notes placed underneath someones’s computer mouse – ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won’t work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!.

6. Go around the office and tell random people that a particular person (e.g. your friend) wanted them to drop over at 11am – they will be surprised when 50 people drop around to their cubicle at once.

7. Start a rumour that your company is being taken over and loads of staff will be made redundant. Watch the onset of panic.

8. Put loads of Pencil (scribble and really build up the graphite) on a piece of paper and then rub around the eye and upper jaw. Then go around the office and say you were hit beacuse you didn’t get the report in on time.

9. Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say ” I’m so sorry to hear you got fired ! ” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.

10. Get a universal remote control and turn the volume up on all the TVs in your local TV shop, while standing nearby. Try be covert so you can keep doing it.

11. If you are a manager or have employees under you, send people looking for made up items such as the dehydrated water, the hydraulic cement humidifier, the double sided transperencies, a fallopian tube, the blunt knife, a glass hammer.

12. If you work in a restaurant, tell all employees that due to new fiar trade regulations, each serving of fries or chips must contain exactly 257 pieces.

13. During lunch, say to your friend, “Sorry to hear about your partner, (pause) I suppose you had to find out about the affair sooner or later – the whole office knew about 2 months ago.”.

14. If your last one out of the office, empty multiple packs of Jello or Gelatine into the Toliets – the result next morning will be fun !

15. If you have a digital camera, take a picture of the toilet, then plug in your digital camera into a PC or TV (using TV-out) and get the picture on screen. When you see people coming out of the toilets, start laughing out loud and pointing. The person will come and see the picture and think you saw them in there !

16. Switch the signs for Mens and Ladies toilets … watch the fun !

17. The old sticker-on-the-back routine of the ‘Kick Me’ variety is not big and it certainly isn’t clever – but it’s still funny.

18. If you have little holders for your salt and pepper, switch the salt with sugar and then watch your family’s and friend’s faces when they try their food! Just make sure they have something they eat salt with.

19. Wet a tissue with milk and run around holding the tissue to your eye pretending you stuck your pen in your eye, when somebody comes close, squeeze the tissue to make the Milk spurt out all over the place.

20. Grab a bunch of alarm clocks, set them to alarm at very early times in the morning and hide them all around different places at your victims room!

21. For a fruity April Fool’s practical joke, get a few gummy worms and carefully poke them into fresh fruit, particularly apples. Give mom or dad a wormy apple for lunch and leave a few apples on the table for friends and family members to snack on.

22. This April Fool’s practical joke is old but it still works. Superglue some coins to the sidewalk or any spot that has a lot of people walking around. Make sure it’s an appropriate place, then watch people break fingernails to get the coins.

23. Go with a couple of friends, stand near some busy street corner – stare and point up at the sky. Watch the reactions of people around you!

24. Place Cling-film over the toilet seat – an old prank but a good one !

25. write: “Help, I’m lost in a toilet paper factory,” in toilet paper and whoever goes to the bathroom next will get a joke out of that one!

26. You take PAM® Cooking Spray and spray it on the toilet seat, and the next person who goes to the bathroom might have a little problem!

27. If your teacher is a BIG chocolate fan, get a chocolate bar and tie some fishing wire and tie it around the bar, but make sure she isn’t in the room, then when she reaches for the bar, pull it before she grabs it!

28. I put salt in my sister’s water when I set the dinner table When she drank it she spit it right out into the sink

29. My sister came home from school with Band-aids on her face and told my mom she got in a fight and got a note from the principle! My dad actually believed it and was like, “Did you really get in a fight, did you really punch her?” It was hilarious and it worked really well.

30. Fill a glass with water. Add food dye so it matches the color of whatever juice you have in your refrigerator. Serve the “juice” to your family. They will be expecting something sweet and getting water so it will taste funny at first. Don’t forget to watch the funny faces they make!

31. Here’s another prank you can do at breakfast: open up all the boxes of cereal and pull the bags with the cereal in them out of the boxes. Put each bag in a wrong cereal box. When your family members go to pour their cereal they will get the wrong kind!

32. This one could get the person you’re pranking a little messy so make sure they’re not wearing their best clothes and make sure they have a good sense of humor. Ok this one is simple – get two cans of soda out of the refrigerator, shake one up and hand that one to your friend. You take the non-shooken up one and drink some so it doesn’t seem suspicious. When your friend opens their’s it will splatter all over them if you shake it up enough!

33. Stuff toilet paper or tissues or whatever into the toe part of someone’s shoes so they have trouble getting their feet in!

34. Put a spool of thread in your pocket and leave the tail hanging out. Then go up to your friend and say, I’ve been pulling this and pulling this but it won’t come out! Then your friend will try to pull it. It will go on and on and on and on and her hands will be full!

35. When you’ve stopped at traffic lights, glance over at the driver next to you and do a double-take. Then, with a panicked expression on your face, lock all the doors.

36. Even though this joke is one of those haha jokes, it still works. Open a bedroom door or any door that you know a lot of people will walk through and put a pillow at the top of it so when the person opens the door the pillow will hit them on the head.

37. Turn all the clocks and watches forward one hour. Your ‘rents will get up an hour earlier to get ready for work as you snooze for that extra hour.

38. Ring your friend and pretend to be from the local GPs office. Tell them they might have Newcastles Disease ( a chicken disease – don’t tell them that ).

39. Find all the balls in your house, even small plastic ones like ping pong balls, and place them in the kitchen cupboards. Whoever goes to open the cupboards will get a shower of balls!

40. Superglue a pen cap to the pen and ask people if they can get it off for you!

 

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