Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck norris is currently suing NCB, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

 

 

Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It’s not because he’s scared of the dark – it’s Because the dark is scared of him.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.

Chuck Norris doesn’t lick postage stamps, he stares at them until they wet themeselves.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.