Check out this site I ran across the other day.
Yo mama is so fat that she gets group insurance.
YoMomma! On every page load it displays a different Yo Momma joke. Check it out
Just Jokes
You Might Be a Redneck Part 1
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren”t.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You”ve ever spray painted your girlfriend”s name on an overpass.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman”s anatomy.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
A Young Man Goes Into a Drug Store
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
Little Billy
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
10 Dollar Ride
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
April Fools Jokes and Pranks
Happy April Fools day everyone, the day filled with pranks and jokes. And of course this being a joke site wouldn’t be complete without a list of some good pranks to pull on people
1. Advertise your bosses job in the local newspaper – (Great if you want to get fired !).
2. Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck, ferrari, etc. (Make sure the car isn’t already on!) Then get in it and have your parents start it up and it will pop. It will sound like the tire popped.
3. I hid in my mom’s closet before she got out of the shower at 6 am. When she got her clothes on and headed out, I grabbed her leg and made her cry!
4. Scrape the cream out of oreo cookies and fill them with white toothpaste!.
5. Use a 3M Post-it notes placed underneath someones’s computer mouse – ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won’t work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!.
6. Go around the office and tell random people that a particular person (e.g. your friend) wanted them to drop over at 11am – they will be surprised when 50 people drop around to their cubicle at once.
7. Start a rumour that your company is being taken over and loads of staff will be made redundant. Watch the onset of panic.
8. Put loads of Pencil (scribble and really build up the graphite) on a piece of paper and then rub around the eye and upper jaw. Then go around the office and say you were hit beacuse you didn’t get the report in on time.
9. Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say ” I’m so sorry to hear you got fired ! ” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.
10. Get a universal remote control and turn the volume up on all the TVs in your local TV shop, while standing nearby. Try be covert so you can keep doing it.
11. If you are a manager or have employees under you, send people looking for made up items such as the dehydrated water, the hydraulic cement humidifier, the double sided transperencies, a fallopian tube, the blunt knife, a glass hammer.
12. If you work in a restaurant, tell all employees that due to new fiar trade regulations, each serving of fries or chips must contain exactly 257 pieces.
13. During lunch, say to your friend, “Sorry to hear about your partner, (pause) I suppose you had to find out about the affair sooner or later – the whole office knew about 2 months ago.”.
14. If your last one out of the office, empty multiple packs of Jello or Gelatine into the Toliets – the result next morning will be fun !
15. If you have a digital camera, take a picture of the toilet, then plug in your digital camera into a PC or TV (using TV-out) and get the picture on screen. When you see people coming out of the toilets, start laughing out loud and pointing. The person will come and see the picture and think you saw them in there !
16. Switch the signs for Mens and Ladies toilets … watch the fun !
17. The old sticker-on-the-back routine of the ‘Kick Me’ variety is not big and it certainly isn’t clever – but it’s still funny.
18. If you have little holders for your salt and pepper, switch the salt with sugar and then watch your family’s and friend’s faces when they try their food! Just make sure they have something they eat salt with.
19. Wet a tissue with milk and run around holding the tissue to your eye pretending you stuck your pen in your eye, when somebody comes close, squeeze the tissue to make the Milk spurt out all over the place.
20. Grab a bunch of alarm clocks, set them to alarm at very early times in the morning and hide them all around different places at your victims room!
21. For a fruity April Fool’s practical joke, get a few gummy worms and carefully poke them into fresh fruit, particularly apples. Give mom or dad a wormy apple for lunch and leave a few apples on the table for friends and family members to snack on.
22. This April Fool’s practical joke is old but it still works. Superglue some coins to the sidewalk or any spot that has a lot of people walking around. Make sure it’s an appropriate place, then watch people break fingernails to get the coins.
23. Go with a couple of friends, stand near some busy street corner – stare and point up at the sky. Watch the reactions of people around you!
24. Place Cling-film over the toilet seat – an old prank but a good one !
25. write: “Help, I’m lost in a toilet paper factory,” in toilet paper and whoever goes to the bathroom next will get a joke out of that one!
26. You take PAM® Cooking Spray and spray it on the toilet seat, and the next person who goes to the bathroom might have a little problem!
27. If your teacher is a BIG chocolate fan, get a chocolate bar and tie some fishing wire and tie it around the bar, but make sure she isn’t in the room, then when she reaches for the bar, pull it before she grabs it!
28. I put salt in my sister’s water when I set the dinner table When she drank it she spit it right out into the sink
29. My sister came home from school with Band-aids on her face and told my mom she got in a fight and got a note from the principle! My dad actually believed it and was like, “Did you really get in a fight, did you really punch her?” It was hilarious and it worked really well.
30. Fill a glass with water. Add food dye so it matches the color of whatever juice you have in your refrigerator. Serve the “juice” to your family. They will be expecting something sweet and getting water so it will taste funny at first. Don’t forget to watch the funny faces they make!
31. Here’s another prank you can do at breakfast: open up all the boxes of cereal and pull the bags with the cereal in them out of the boxes. Put each bag in a wrong cereal box. When your family members go to pour their cereal they will get the wrong kind!
32. This one could get the person you’re pranking a little messy so make sure they’re not wearing their best clothes and make sure they have a good sense of humor. Ok this one is simple – get two cans of soda out of the refrigerator, shake one up and hand that one to your friend. You take the non-shooken up one and drink some so it doesn’t seem suspicious. When your friend opens their’s it will splatter all over them if you shake it up enough!
33. Stuff toilet paper or tissues or whatever into the toe part of someone’s shoes so they have trouble getting their feet in!
34. Put a spool of thread in your pocket and leave the tail hanging out. Then go up to your friend and say, I’ve been pulling this and pulling this but it won’t come out! Then your friend will try to pull it. It will go on and on and on and on and her hands will be full!
35. When you’ve stopped at traffic lights, glance over at the driver next to you and do a double-take. Then, with a panicked expression on your face, lock all the doors.
36. Even though this joke is one of those haha jokes, it still works. Open a bedroom door or any door that you know a lot of people will walk through and put a pillow at the top of it so when the person opens the door the pillow will hit them on the head.
37. Turn all the clocks and watches forward one hour. Your ‘rents will get up an hour earlier to get ready for work as you snooze for that extra hour.
38. Ring your friend and pretend to be from the local GPs office. Tell them they might have Newcastles Disease ( a chicken disease – don’t tell them that ).
39. Find all the balls in your house, even small plastic ones like ping pong balls, and place them in the kitchen cupboards. Whoever goes to open the cupboards will get a shower of balls!
40. Superglue a pen cap to the pen and ask people if they can get it off for you!
Blonde Jokes
Here are a few funny blonde jokes.
Two Blondes With Hammers…
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you Throwing those nails away?’ Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’ Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t Defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency Room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?’
‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he Decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.’
‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,’ she replied..
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied……’Two popsicles and some coffee.’
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’
The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.’
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’
‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically…
‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.
‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, she’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or the chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Alex Jones: The chicken is going to destroy us all in December 2012.
Rush Limbaugh: Mmmmmm chicken
The Duck Hunter
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
Some funny jokes for those who actually read.
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance
level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are,
the smaller your balls are.
****************************************************
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
“Now, do you understand?” he asked.
“I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?”
****************************************************
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
“She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.
“She leaves her name,” was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.
“How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.
“L-O-W C-E-L-L”
Another problem solved.