Chuck Norris Jokes # 7

by

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s ****.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris Approved

Want to Support LTD?

by

Do you like visiting LaughToDeath? If so why don’t you help promote the site and get your friends and family here so they can enjoy the site as well.

What can you do to help? Like us on facebook so all your friends can see and read about LTD. Tweet about us so your followers can come and take a peek for themselves.

Want to follow us on Twitter? do so @LaughToDeath. Also don’t forget to subscribe to our RSS feed so you will never miss a post

Yo Momma Jokes #1

by


Yo mamma’s so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mama so ugly when she joined the ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.

Yo mama’s teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin’ up gang signs.

Yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and was arrested for mooning.

Yo mama’s teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.

Yo mama’s so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, “to be continued.”

Yo mama’s so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.

Yo mama’s so skinny, if she had dreads I’d grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.

Yo mama’s so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.

Yo mama’s so skinny, her bra fits better backward.

Yo mama’s so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.

Yo mama’s so skinny, she uses Chap stick for deodorant.

Yo mama’s so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.

Chuck Norris Jokes #6

by

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck norris is currently suing NCB, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris Approved

10 Dollar Ride

by

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”

Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Chuck Norris Daily #5

by

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

 

Chuck Norris Approved